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[Kami]

Ulazi lijepa plavuša u trgovinu sa životinjama.
Za oko joj zapne žabac u kutiji na kojoj piše 'žablji seks!'
300 kuna! Ako ne budete zadovoljni, vraćamo novac!
Dobijete i upute.'
Plavuša šapne trgovcu za pultom:
'Uzimam.'
Trgovac joj da žabu i papirić te kaže:
'Pažljivo slijedite upute.'
Djevojka klimne glavom i žurno ode kući.
Odmah po dolasku, uzme listić i počne slijediti upute:
1. Istuširajte se.
2. Namirišite se najboljim parfemom.
3. Obucite seksi rublje.
4. Lezite na krevet i postavite žapca na pravo mjesto.
Sve je to napravila, ali ništa se nije dogodilo!
Iako ljuta, misleći kako je prevarena, još jednom pročita upute i opazi u donjem kutu listića poruku:
'Ako imate nekih problema, nazovite trgovinu.'
Nazove ona, a muški glas joj odgovori:
'Odmah dolazim.'
Nakon pet minuta se začuje zvonce. Plavuša mu objasni:
'Vidite, napravila sam sve kao što piše u uputama, ali ta prokleta životinja samo sjedi i ništa ne radi.'
Muškarac sav zabrinut digne žapca, pogleda ga drito u oči i ozbiljnim glasom mu zaprijeti:
'A sad me dobro slušaj! Ovo je posljednji put da ti ja pokazujem...'

[Kami]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

 

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[Kami]

D: "I'mma bild a wall around this f*****g China!"
R: "But... there already is a wall around China....!?"
D: "Shut up you lazy Mexican muslim communist!"

[Immortelle]

Kako se reče ženski, ki nikoli ne kida snega?

Nicole Kidman 

 

 

[Kami]

Kako zapreš odprt šampanjec? Ne veš?
Vprašaj Hrvate

[Kami]

Čovek izadje na ulicu i mahne za taksi. Istog momenta taksi se zaustavlja pored njega, otvaraju se vrata, a taksista kaže:

- Savršen tajming! Isto kao Miloš. 

 

Putnik: - Ko? 

 

Taksista: - Miloš Đumić... To je čovek, koji je uvek sve radio u pravo vreme. Baš kao što sam ja naišao upravo kada ste vi digli ruku, tako se Milošu sve u životu dešavalo u savršeno vreme. 

 

Putnik: - Niko nije savršen. 

 

Taksista: - To ne važi za Miloša Đumića. Bio je izvanredan atletski građen tip. Mogao je da osvoji Grand Slam u tenisu. Mogao je da igra golf sa profesionalcima. Pevao je kao slavuj, plesao je kao zvezda sa Brodveja, a da ste ga čuli kako svira klavir! Bio je neverovatan momak. 

 

Putnik: - Izgleda da je stvarno bio izvanredan čovek. 

 

Taksista: - Aa, nije to ništa, ima još! Pamtio je kao kompjuter. Pamtio je svačiji rođendan. Znao je sve o vinima, koje jelo da naruči i kojom viljuškom da ga jede. Mogao je da popravi sve. Ne kao ja. Ja zamenim osigurač, i pola ulice ostane bez struje. Ali Miloš Đumić je sve radio kako treba. 

 

Putnik: - Pa stvarno je bio neverovatan! 

 

Taksista: - Uvek je znao najbrži put kroz saobraćaj. Ne kao ja, ja se uvek zaglavim, ali Miloš nikada nije pogrešio, i uvek je znao kako da postupa sa ženama. Nikada im nije protivrečio čak i kada nisu bile u pravu... uvek je bio savršeno obučen, a cipele su mu uvek bile savršeno izglancane. Bio je savršen čovek! Niko ne može da se uporedi sa Milošem Đumićem. 

 

Putnik: - Interesantan lik. Kako ste ga upoznali? 

 

 

Taksista: - Ja ga nikada nisam sreo. Umro je, a ja sam se oženio njegovom jebenom udovicom!

[Kami]

 Od otroštva dalje me je ponoči strah, da je nekdo pod mojo posteljo.
Odšel sem k psihoterapevtu in mu rekel:
- " Imam problem.
  Kadarkoli se uležem na posteljo, mislim, da je nekdo pod njo. Strah me je ...  Mislim da bom znorel ..."
- "Lahko vas ozdravim. Prihajali boste na razgovor trikrat tedensko in v enem letu vas bom osvobodil tega strahu.
- " Koliko bo zdravljenje stalo ?
- " 500 € na obisk."
- " Moram razmisliti pa se Vam bom javil."

Šest mesecev kasneje me je psihoterapevt prepoznal na ulici.
- "Zakaj niste prišli na terapijo?"
- "Pa, 500€ trikrat tedensko in tako celo letop - je zelo veliko denarja.
   Moj natakar me je ozdravil za samo 100 €. Bil sem tako srečen, da sem prihranil ves ta denar, da sem si kupil nov avto!"
- "Kako mu je to uspelo? Kakšen nasvet Vam je dal?"
- "Rekel mi je, da naj odžagam postelji noge!"

[Kami]

V družbi znancev Janezu predstavijo Marto.
Po nekajminutnem klepetu Marta vpraša Janeza:
> Koliko let bi mi prisodili?<

> Veste, tega pa resnično ne morem reči. Nisem nikakršen
ekspert na tem področju. Lahko bi rekel preveč in vas užalil.<

> Nič hudega. Le recite kar mislite. Da vam pomagam vam
povem, da imam hčerko v vrtcu.<

> A je vzgojiteljica?<

[Kami]

Vnuk pred ženitvijo obišče svojega dedka, ga prosi za par nasvetov in zanima ga tudi, kako, da sta po toliko letih še vedno skupaj... kaj je skrivnost dobrega zakona?

Ta mu razloži, kako sta se že takoj po poroki zmenila, kako se ne bosta kregala: da mož odloča o pomembnih stvareh, žena pa vse ostalo... In stvar funkcionira.

Vnuk zadovoljen z odgovori že skoraj odide, a se na vratih spomni še eno:

"Samo pomembno praviš... In kako pogosto si se moral ti odločati?"
Deda: "Hvala Bogu, do sedaj se mi še ni bilo treba..."

[Kami]

Ne razumem kaj folk hodi okoli ko je pust pa sprasuje:
"mate kaj za pusta hrusta"?
Jaz tudi ne hodim za valentinovo okoli po bajtah pa sprasujem:
"mate kaj za fukat?"

[Kami]

Milijarder (65) sedi v restavraciji s prelepo soprogo (25). Natakar ga vpraša:

»Kako vam je uspelo dobiti to lepotico?«

- »Zlagal sem si ji o svoji starosti.«

»Ali ste ji rekli, da jih imate 40?«

-  »Ne, ampak 90.«

[ora]

Ena na temo danasnjega dne dusevnega zdravja baje je bila zjutraj pri dobro jutro.
Nevrotiki gradijo gradove v oblakih, psihotiki v njih zivijo, psihiatri pa najemnino pobirajo.