2691 replies to this topic

[hudička]

Huso i Haso sjede u kaficu s drustvom, kad odjedanput Huso vidi Fatu
koja je prolazila pored kafica .
- " Fato!!!"
Fata se i ne okrece.
- "Faatooo!!!"
Al' Fata se i dalje ne trza .
- "Sta je Fato? Jebavo sam te, a sad me ne poznajes?!"
Nato ce Fata:
- "Kakvo jebavanje, takvo i poznavanje."

[Kalypso]

Pri spovedi:
"Gospod župnik, grešila sem."
"Povej, otrok moj, kako si grešila?"
"Moškemu sem dala svoj cvet."
"Ja koliko si pa stara?"
"Enaindvajset, gospod."
"No, saj to pa ni tak greh."
"Že že, ampak moški je..."
"Kaj je z njim?"
"Bog mi pomagaj. On je župnik iz sosednje fare."
"Aha! O, to pa JE greh! Ti spadaš pod NAŠO faro!!"

_____________________________________________________

Kraševec, Ljubljančan in Štajerec na sprehodu slučajno brcnejo v neko svetilko in iz nje se prikaže duh.
»Hvala, ker ste me osvobodili! Za nagrado bom vsakemu izpolnil eno željo!«
»Jaz sem iz kmečke družine in dobro vem, kako težko je biti kmet na Krasu. Naredi prosim Kras rodoviten!« si zaželi Kraševec.
»Urejeno!«
»Mi u Lublan mamo poun kufer usega folka, k se prseljuje k nam. Nared okol Lublane en tak zid, da nau noben mogu ne not ne vn!« si zaželi Ljubljančan.
»Urejeno«!
Štajerca zanima: »Čuj, kaki je te toti zid?«
»Visok je približno sto metrov, debel pet metrov, iz armiranega betona, gladke stene …« našteva duh.
»Dobro, dobro … Daj, napolni ga z vodo! Plavajte, plavajte, žabice!«

[Rianna]

Pride kmet v Kolosej....se postavi v vrsto da bi kupil karto....
Prodajalka vstopnic ga vprasa:
"Kaj pa imate tole na ramenu?"
Kmet je odgovoril: "To je moja veverica, Maja. Vedno jo vzamem s seboj, kamorkoli ze grem."
"Zal mi je," pravi prodajalka. "V kino ne spuscamo zivali".
Kmet je sel za vogal in Majo skril v hlace. Nato se je vrnil k prodajalki, kupil vstopnico, stopil v dvorano in se usedel k dvema starejsima vdovama, Milki in Maricki. Film se je zacel in Maja se je zacela pritozevati nad neudobnim polozajem. Kmet si je odpel hlace, tako da je Maja lahko dala glavo ven in gledala film.
"Maricka," je zasepetala Milka.
"Kaj?" pravi Maricka, ki jo je film ze popolnoma prevzel.
"Mislim, da je moj sosed perverznez .."
"Zakaj?" vprasa Maricka.
"Odpel si je hlace in ga dal ven."
"No, ne sekiraj se zaradi tega," je rekla Maricka, ki je se vedno pozorno gledala na platno.
"Pri najini starosti sva videli ze vse. Prav gotovo ni nic drugacen od ostalih. Centimeter vec ali manj ...."
"Tudi jaz sem tako mislila," pravi Milka. "Ampak tale zre moje kokice !!"

[DiLeMa]

Tale vic mi je ful posrečen, mi ga je glih ati mejlal iz službe.

- Novinar sprasuje: "Koliko casa potrebujete, da kupite z vaso placo mercedes ?"
- Kucan odgovarja: "Ja, ce skupaj s Stefko vrzeva, bi rabila tam okoli 4-5 mesecev."
- Drnovsek pravi: "Glede na to, da sem sam, bi trajalo tam okoli 8-9 mesecev."
- Jankovic premisljeno: "Bi rekel tam okoli 3-4 leta."
- Novinar se zacudi. "Ja gospod Jankovic, kako to mislite 3-4 leta?"

"Pa veste, Mercedes je velika firma," zakljuci Jankovic.

[Nincha]

hahaha tole je pa edn bolših vicev kar sm jih slišala

[black_sweety]

Zakaj je cokolada boljsa od sexa?[/

Pri cokoladi velikost ni pomembna.

Cokolada te zadovolji, tudi ce je mehka.

"Ce me ljubis, bos pogoltnila to" ima pri cokoladi zares smisel.

Cokolado lahko varno uzivas, tudi ko vozis.

Cokolado lahko pustis cakati, kolikor hoces.

Cokolado lahko uzivas tudi ob materini navzocnosti.

Ce pretrdo ugiriznes, se cokolada ne bo pritozevala.

Dva cloveka istega spola lahko uzivata cokolado, brez da bi ju zmerjali z grdimi besedami.

Beseda "predanost"cokolade ne prestrasi.

Cokolado lahko jes za svojo pisalno mizo, ne da bi s tem razburil sodelavce.

Tujca lahko prosis za cokolado, ne da bi dobil klofuto.

Pri cokoladi ne dobis dlak v usta.

Pri cokoladi se ni treba pretvarjati, da uzivas.

Od cokolade ne zanosis.

Cokolado lahko das v usta kadarkoli.

Dobro cokolado je lahko najti.

Lahko imas toliko vrst cokolade, kolikor se ti jih zahoce.

Za cokolado nisi nikoli premlad ali prestar.

Ce uzivas cokolado, to ne prebudi tvojih sosedov.

Cokolado lahko DOBIS.

[Dragica]

Zajček se totalno napije v vaški gostilni. Ko se vrača domov, sredi gozda omahne in zaspi. Mimo prideta dva volka in ker se ne morta odločit kdo ga bo pojedel se stolčeta do smrti in obležita zraven zajca. Nato se zajc zjutraj ves zmučkan zbudi, pogleda okoli sebe in vidi dva volka, obadva spraskana, krvava-mrtva. Zajček se zamisli:"Kurba ko sm pijan pa res ne vem kaj delam!"

[black_sweety]

Peter je prišel k očetu svojega dekleta in mu rekel:
"Gospod, ali vas lahko zaprosim za vagino vaše hčerke?"
"Brezobraznež! Kako se pa izražaš? Reče se: "za roko" ne pa za vagino!"
"Toda, z roko mi to dela vsak dan!"

[pinkystar]

ful cool

[Rianna]

Dekle: "Oprostite, oce, grešila sem."
Duhovnik: "Kaj si storila, otrok moj?"
Dekle: "Moškemu sem rekla kurbin sin."
Duhovnik: "Zakaj pa si mu rekla kurbin sin?"
Dekle: "Ker me je prijel za roko."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in jo prime za roko)
Dekle: "Da, oce."
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da receš cloveku kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Nato me je prijel za prsi."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in jo prime za prsi)
Dekle: "Da, oce."
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da mu receš kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Nato me je slekel."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in jo slece)
Dekle: "Da, oce."
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da mu receš kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Nato je zaril svojega saj veste kaj v mojo saj vestekje."
Duhovnik: "Tako?" (in zarije svojega saj veste kaj v njeno saj veste
kje)
Dekle: "DA, OCE, DA, OCE, DA, OCE!!!" (cez nekaj minut)
Duhovnik: "To ni razlog, da mu receš kurbin sin."
Dekle: "Ampak oce, imel je AIDS!"
Duhovnik: "Ta kurbin sin!!!"

[pa3]

Nek moski se pridruzi nudisticni koloniji, se prvi dan v kampu slece in se
sprehodi naokrog. Sreca krasno blondinko in hoces noces, se mu dvigne.
Zenska opazi erekcijo in ga vprasa: "Si me klical?"
Moski odgovori: "Ne, zakaj vprasas?"
Zenska odgovori: "Tu obstaja pravilo, da ce moski dobi erekcijo, pomeni,
da me je klical."
Zenska leze in dovoli moskemu, da jo poseksa.
Tip nadaljuje z ogledom kampa in konca v savni. Sede in posteno prdne.
Velik dlakav moski se prikotali do njega in vprasa: "Si me klical?"
Moski odgovori, da ga ni potreboval.
"Tu velja pravilo, da ce prdnes, pomeni, da si me klical," odgovori
velikan.
Moskega obrne in ga posteno nategne.
Novopeceni nudist se privlece do recepcije in zakrici: "Dajte mi tistih
100.000 nazaj. Mene vec ne boste videli!"
"Toda gospod," je zacudena receptorka, "ali vam nas kamp ni vsec?"
"Poslusaj mladenka," se razburi mozak, "Star sem 68 let. Dvigne se mi
enkrat na mesec, prdnem pa 15 krat na dan. Jaz hocem domov!"

[Dragica]

Noro fajni vic!!

[Coco*]

ni lih vic, ma dorro ..


* Paris Hilton has had sex in the White House house. The only person that knew was the president.
* As the worlds most famous whore, she has her own star on Sunset Bullevard. The star also features a pretty picture of her vagina. Which is all blond and tinny
* She has officially had sex with every willing man in the world. If she has yet to reach you yet, just think about it really hard for a few seconds and she will materialize right in front of your eyes.
* At age 16, Paris Hilton became one of the world's youngest brain and breast implant donors.
* Paris Hilton lost her virginity with Tony Blair or was it Ronald Regan???
* Paris is the wealthiest person in the world to have contracted all of the 233 STDs known to science. (She is also the only one who is not an Nigerian prostitute.)
* Paris Hilton's goal in life is to be the worlds blondest blonde. She is currently ranked #-7, which, ironically, is also her IQ. Cameron Ziaz and Micheal Jackoff are # 1 and 2
* The only difference between Paris Hilton and the Eiffel Tower is that not everybody has been up the Eiffel Tower.
* The only difference between Paris Hilton and the Hitlon in Paris is that not everybody has eaten Hitlon in Paris.
* Paris Hilton once sat on a chair and it immediately went in her vagina.
* Paris Hilton can count to 5 1/4
* It is a mystery how she functions as she has no brain. Sadly, electroshock therapy does not seem to work on her either.
* She has made it her goal to be the first woman to suck someone off on the moon.
* Her favourite movie is that one she made with that mysterious old man when she was 10.
* Paris Hilton's dog Tinkerbell is actually an imp from Michael Jackson's back pasage.
* She once has lesbian sex, it was later discovered that the woman she had sex with was not a woman, nor Nicole Richie but Paris Latsis
* She writes a journal of all the food she consumed in that day, and then vomited. She is immune to all Diseases, apart from Aperts Syndrome, Downs Syndrome, and Chuck Norris Syndrome.
* Paris Hilton can spell her name, with the exception of none of the right letters.
* Paris Hilton's Hero is John Locke, or, no...like, what's the name of that hot guy on Lost who talks Southern and stuff?
* At the age of 12, she climbed a palm tree and refused to come down for five days. She now makes it a habit to spend at least four hours a week atop the same tree. She claims that she would spend more time with on it if it bothered to grow legs and follow her when she calls its name.
* She killed JFK with a bullet she found lodged in her vagina.
* Paris has 17 toes which were all stolen from ewoks after the Empire Strikes Back was filmed, Paris denied these claims and shat on a badger which was unaware of the lurking Paris.
* Paris Hilton can often be heard complaining about many cocks hiding in her bush.

* She says she and 7-11 have a lot in common. They're both open 24/7.
* Paris Hilton is not only a slut, she believes in love thy neighbour... and everyone is her neighbour apparently.
* In a previous life she was a fungus responsible for the Irish Potato Famine.
* She won the "Worlds Most Stupid Female Douche" award, held anally in Timbuktoo
* Paris Hilton is actually not hot by definition or appearance, instead it is her propensity for dishing out fellatio like handshakes that is the true reason for her popularity with males.
* In 2018, Paris will release a deady virus that will kill most of the human population on the planet, causing Bruce Willis to travel back in time and try to stop her.

[TASH]

Pride kavboj v salon in vidi ob šanku parček, ki se pomenkuje.

Potegne pištolo in njega ustreli.

Potem pristopi k njej, se nasloni na sank in ji reče:

"A ti pa kar sama ?"


So šle tri želvice na izlet. S seboj so vzele jedačo
in pijačo: sendviče, zelenjavo, vodo in pivo. In tako
hodijo tri dni, ko zagledajo prijeten prostor za
piknik. Lepo se namestijo, pogrnejo dekice in začnejo
pripravljati hrano in pijačo za piknik. OJOJ! Pozabile
so odpirač za odpiranje steklenic s pivom. Kaj sedaj?
Dogovorijo se, da se ena vrne domov in prinese
odpirač. "Samo, da mi ne pojeste hrane predno se
vrnem, počakajte me!" je v skrbeh mala želvica. In
gre. Minejo trije dnevi, mine jih devet, želvice ni in
ni. Njeni prijateljici sta že na smrt lačni in ena
reče: "jaz bom kar začela." V trenutku, ko seže v
košarico po sendviču, se izza bližnjega grma oglasi
jezen glas: " saj sem vedela, da me ne bosta počakali,
sedaj pa zanalašč ne grem!"


Je usel norec iz norisnice. Tam v Begunjah je blo. Pa tece cez travnike in ga vidi stara mamca ki je plela na njivi. Pa se mamca tko prestrasi in zacne tecti da mu ne pride pod roke. Vendar norec je bil mlad in jo je kaj kmalu zacel dohajatI. A mama se ne da kar tko hitro, in tece n tece naprej. Norec pa za njo. Mamca bla upehana a si zbrala se zadnje moci in tece in tece. Norec pa vedno blizje in blizje. Se jo je ze skoraj dotilkal. A mamca se kar tece ko zmesana tam cez njive. A norec je bil hitrejsi in jo ujame. Jo prime za ramo in rece: TI LOVIŠ!!!

[Fluffy The Stud Eater]

A List OF Pickup Lines

1. Is your Dad an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
2. You must be tired because you've been running through my dreams all night
3. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
4. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
5. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
6. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
7. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!
8. Was your dad king? He must have been to make a princess like you.
9. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
10. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
11. You are the reason men fall in love.
12. I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
13. If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
14. When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor, so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
15. Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)
16. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?
17. Can I borrow a quarter? I told my Mom I'd call when I met the girl of my dreams.
18. Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
19. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something, my jaw!
20. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
21. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
22. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
23. If I followed you home, would you keep me?
24. Was your father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
25. Was your Dad a baker? Because you've got a nice set of buns.
26. You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!
27. Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
28. You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!
29. If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".
30. Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?
31. Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boyfriend?
32. Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
33. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
34. Are you related to Mike Tyson? Because you knock me out.
35. If you were a burger at McDonalds, you'd be named McGourgous.
36. Your body must be a Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
37. How you doin?
38. Please come here, I'm desperate.
39. Didn't we go to different schools together?
40. Guy: Did you just fart? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because you just blew me away.
41. If I had a nickel for every girl as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents
42. Would you like some visene? Why? So you can see our clear future together.
43. I hear your body is made up of 75% water, man am I thirsty!
44. Do you sleep on your stomach? (No) Can I?
45. I love you, you're the best.
46. If I had a rose for every time I thought of you I'd be walking in a garden forever.
47. You're so sweet I'm getting cavities.
48. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
49. If I had a camera, I'd use the whole roll.
50. Your name must be Lucky Charms, cause you're magically delicious.
51. Baby, have you been eaten your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
52. Are you wearing lipstick? Mind if I taste it?
53. If I were bread, would you be my butter?
54. God was showing off when he made you.
55. Is your name Elmo? Because I want to tickle you all over.
56. Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.
57. Hi, are you here to meet a nice guy/gal or will I do?
58. Aieeeah! Your eyes glow like the twin suns!
59. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
60. I'm The Man in Demand
61. There's a star in the sky for every time I think of you
62. Hi, I'm incredibly rich.
63. I've noticed you noticing me and I'm just giving you notice that I've noticed you!
64. Do you have a boyfriend?
65. I know somebody who likes you but if I weren't so shy, I'd tell you who.
66. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
67. Statistically speaking, the most effective pickup line of all time is "I love you".
68. You must be a parking ticket (or book), because you have fine written all over you.
69. Excuse me, do you have the time? Woman: No. Man: Well I have the time and it says I have time for you alllll the time
70. Can I dip you in chocolate?
71. Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with me like a nice little fellow?
72. Hi, what's your name? Did you go to (put in a place) yesterday? (No) Oh right, that was in my dream.
73. I heard milk does a body good but man, how much have you been drinking?
74. If love were a drop of water, I'd be in the Atlantic Ocean.
75. If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for fear of losing you.
76. You know what I fell in? (What?) Love with you.
77. Excuse me, do you have Band-aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you.
78. Was your Dad in the Air Force? Because you're the bomb.
79. Hi, my name is (insert your name here)
80. Life without you is like a pencil without lead, pointless.
81. I'm a genetic engineer and I need to utilize your body for a stem cell experiment. It shouldn't hurt too bad.
82. My love for you is like diarrhea; I can't hold it in.
83. I think I've seen your picture somewhere. Oh yes, it was in the dictionary under SHA-BAM!
84. You're so hot that you make the sun jealous.
85. Do you know what the square root of 81 is? (Hopefully they say nine) Oh, then you are not just another pretty face.
86. I lost my teddy bear. Can I cuddle with you instead?
87. You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
88. Hey c'mon now, I'm ugly, you're ugly, it's perfect.
89. Can I borrow your library card, because I'd like to check you out!
90. I should call the police because you're stealing my heart.
91. You're more beautiful than 100 pink flamingos on a golf course.
92. I can't wait until tomorrow. Somehow you get prettier every day.
93. If wishes came true I'd be having dinner with you tonight.
94. Girl: I'm sorry, I can't talk right now, I have a(n) (some instrument) lesson. Guy: (instrument)? I thought angels played harps.
95. Excuse me, you look sexy, what's your name?
96. If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.
97. Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business, and speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
98. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
99. ASL?
100. Can I have your heart? I need it to be complete and I don't feel whole without you.
101. It's never easy meeting a complete stranger, especially one as beautiful as you, without being properly introduced. But shall we try anyway?
102. Gently rub the girl's back and say, "I thought angels had wings."
103. You must be the cause of global warming.
104. I don't think a firefighter could put you out.
105. It looks like you need a man in your life. How about me?
106. Um, you have really beautiful...uh...eyes, yea. You are pretty. What I mean is...you have a nice forehead, er ah...Do you believe in when I walk by...(To yourself) Oh man, STUPID STUPID STUPID!
107. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
108. Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
109. Are you a broom? Because you sure swept me off my feet.
110. If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be black at night.
111. You're looking sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that has been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye.
112. I think we should be lab partners because you and I have chemistry.
113. I don't know if it's igneous or metamorphic, but baby, you rock.
114. Did you know the distance from here (touch one side of the girl's shoulder) to here (touch other side of shoulder so your arm is around her) is the same distance from here (touch same spot last touched) to here (grab her around the waist)
115. Kiss me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to go out with me?
116. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
117. I thought Veryfine only came in a bottle.
118. (Walk up to them, place an ice cube on the floor and crush it with your foot) Now that we've broken the ice, what's your name?
119. If I were a tear drop I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.
120. If you're here, who's running heaven?
121. Do you know Karate? Because your body is kickin'
122. I'm going to put this tear of mine in the ocean. When you find it I'll stop loving you.
123. If I were you I would go out with me.
124. Do you work for NASA? Because you're outta this world.
125. Walk up to a girl and look at the tag on the back of her shirt. When she asks what you're doing tell her your checking to see if she was made in heaven.
126. I couldn't pay attention in school (or work) today because I couldn't stop thinking about you.
127. Would you like a coolata, because you are ahota.
128. You're the marshmallows in my Lucky Charms.
129. If I ran McDonald's I'd name a sandwich after you called "The McGorgeous."
130. If I were a gardner, I'd plant your tulips next to mine.
131. Is there an airport near by or is that my heart taking off?
132. Did you hear the latest health report? You need to increase your daily intake of vitamin me.
133. One night I looked up at the stars and thought "Wow, how beautiful." Now that I'm looking at you, nothing else can compare.
134. May I borrow some of the chapstick you're wearing?
135. I have an owie on my lip, will you kiss it and make it better?
136. Hey good lookin' what'chya cookin'?
137. Love is when you don't want to go to sleep because reality is better than a dream. After seeing you, I don't ever want to sleep again.
138. Let's hide behind a rock and get a little bolder.
139. How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi, my name is (insert name here).
140. Girl: Have we met before? Guy: Only in my dreams.
141. You better stop, drop and roll right now cause you're on fire!
142. Have you ever heard the Pina Colada song, because I want you to come with me and escape.
143. Watching you is like watching the sun rise with the morning dew, but there is one difference - you're better.
144. Jealousy is for everyone else because they don't have you.
145. If you were a pirate would you put your parrot on this shoulder (touch girl's shoulder) or this shoulder? (touch other shoulder and keep arm there)
146. Ever wonder why you have spaces between your fingers? (A: So my fingers can fit there)
147. Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made from the best stuff on earth.
148. Let's make like fabric softener and snuggle!
149. If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
150. Pick up a pack of sugar and hand it to a girl, saying, "Here, you dropped your name tag."
151. I'll make you a bet - $20 says you'll turn me down.
152. I must be dead because I'm talking to an angel.
153. I knew I recognized you. You look just like my next boy/girl friend.
154. If I was an ice cube, I'd melt standing next to you.
155. Are you a star? Because you always shine when I look at you.
156. This isn't a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for the love machine.
157. Is your name Gillette, because you're the best a man can get!
158. May I have your autograph? Why? For being the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.
159. I memorized every number in the phone book, but managed to lose yours. I'm gonna need to get that.
160. Is your daddy a shoemaker, because you just knocked me off my feet.
161. Drink unsweetened tea or other beverage, and when she asks why, say, "With you here, I don't need sugar."
162. You might not like it when guys swear, but I swear I'm in love with you.
163. My heart is broken...could you fix it for me?
164. I just ate some skittles. Do you want to taste the rainbow?
165. I think God took the pigment out of a leaf and put it in your eyes (for green-eyed person).
166. I think God took the colour out of the ocean and put it in your eyes (for blue-eyed person)
167. I think God took a brown topaz gem and made you eyes out of it. (for brown-eyed person)
168. I bet it was hard for God to make your eyes out of crystal clear ocean water.
169. Either those are your eyes, or you managed to make a contact lens made out of gem stones.




Why It's Great To Be A Guy

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be president.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rats hindquarters whether or not someone notices your new haircut.
9. The world is your urinal.
10. You never have to drive to another gas station because "this one is just too icky."
11. Same work, more pay.
12. Wrinkles add character.
13. Wedding Dress, $5,000; Tux Rental, $100.
14. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. You know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
24. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
25. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
28. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
29. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
30. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
31. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
32. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
33. You almost never have strap problems in public.
34. You don't mind wrinkles in your clothes.
35. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
36. You don't have to shave below your neck.
37. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
38. You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
39. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
40. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 30 minutes.
41. You can pack for a trip in less than a half hour.
42. Your hair is dry after taking a shower by the time you're dressed.
43. Facial hair is a good thing.
44. You can go to the bathroom without a support group
45. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
46. You can write your name in the snow.
47. You can take your shirt off on a hot day.
48. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
49. Gray hair adds character.
50. With 400 million sperm per go, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, in theory.
51. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
52. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
53. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
54. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
55. You don't care if the toilet seat is left up.
56. One acronym that doesn't pertain - PMS.
57. You don't have to wear makeup.
58. You can think about girls all the time and it's alright.
59. You can lean down to pick something up without having to worry about your shirt hanging open.
60. You don't get pregnant.
61. You don't take hours and hours to get ready.
62. You don't secretly resent friends who are more attractive.
63. You don't care if you look like crap when your picture is taken.
64. Homer Simpson makes perfect sense.
65. You don't have to worry about breaking a nail.
66. Complaints about something being to heavy are kept to yourself.
67. Your eyes can remain open when you step on the scale.
68. You can take pride in breaking wind.
69. A shower only takes a few minutes and the drain doesn't get clogged with hair.
70. No stretch marks.
71. Beauty and the Beast (average guys can get hot girls).
72. You don't go around asking your buddies whether the pants you're wearing make your butt look big.
73. You get praise for doing things around the house once in a while.
74. A hair cut costs less than $20
75. Three shirts and two pairs of pants are enough clothes for a month.

[Fluffy The Stud Eater]

Things not to Say During Sex

1. but everybody looks funny naked!
2. you woke me up for that?
3. did I mention the video camera?
4. do you smell something burning?
5. (in the janitor's closet) and they say romance is dead....
6. can you please try breathing through your nose.
7. a little rug burn never hurt anyone
8. is that a Medic-Alert pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. but whipped cream makes me brake out.
11. person 1: this is your first time...right?
person 2: yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) hurry up! this room rents by the hour!
13. can you pass me the remote control?
14. do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. on the second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. and to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
18. so much for mouth-to-mouth
19. (using body paint) thry not to leave any stains, o.k.
20. hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) it's just a little trick I learned at the zoo
22. do you get any premium movie channels?
23. try not to smear my make-up, will ya'?
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) but I just steam cleaned
this coach!
25. got any penecillin?
26. but I just brushed my teeth...
27. smile, you're on candid camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!
29. I want a baby!
30. so much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) why am I doing all the work?
32. maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. i think you have it on backwards.
35. when is this supposed to feel good?
36. put the blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. you're good enough to do this for a living.
38. is that blood on the headboard?
39. did I remember to take my pill?
40. are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playbot channel...
42. that leak better be from the water bed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. but my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
45. did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. if you quit smoking you might have more endurance?
47. no, really.. i do this part better myself.
48. it's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate myself!
49. this would be more fun with a few more people.
50. you're almost as good as my ex!
51. do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. you look younger than you feel.
54. perhaps you're just out of pracrice.
55. you sweat more than a galloping stallion...
56. they're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. now i know why s/he dumped you...
58. does your husband own a sawed off shot-gun?
59. you give me a reason to concluded that foreplay is overrated?
60. what tampon?
61. have you ever considered liposuction?
62. and to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. what are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home.
66. are those real or am I just behind that times?
67. were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. is that a hanging sculpture?
69. you'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means nothing!
72. did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. a good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.
75. does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you.
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic - don't you?
79. Q: you can cook, too right?
A: (whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. when would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: yourself?
82. have you seen "fatal attraction"?
83. sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names.
84. don't mind me... i always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. do you have a light?
87. don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman.
88. sorry but I don't do toes.
89. you could at least act like you're enjoying it!
90. petroleum jelly or no petroleum jely, I said no!
91. keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for the Enquirer.
93. so that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. my old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer.
95. is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlin!
97. hey, when is it going to be my freinds turn?
98. long kisses clog my sinuses.
99. pleases understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. how long do plan to be "almost there"?
101. you mean you're not my blind date?




Jesus vs. Elvis

1. Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor" (Matthew 22:39).
Elvis said, "Don't Be Cruel" (RCA, 1956).

2. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

3. Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

4. Jesus said, "Man shall not live by bread alone" (Matthew 4:4).
Elvis loved his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

5. "Then they took up stones to cast at [Jesus]" (John 8:59).
Elvis was often stoned.

6. Jesus was the Lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chops.

7. Jesus was part of a Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

8. Jesus walked on water (Matthew 14:25).
Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965).

9. Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis majored in woodshop/industrial arts in high school.

10. Jesus lived in a state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

11. Jesus wore the crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

12. Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

13. Jesus as wine (sacramental wine).
Elvis as wine (Always Elvis wine by Frantenac).

14. A major woman in Jesus' life (Mary) had an immaculate conception.
A major woman in Elvis' life (Priscilla) went to Immaculate Conception
high school.

15. Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous comeback special in 1968.

16. Son of God.
Sun Studios.

17. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink" (John7:37).
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957).

18. Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits (e.g., five banana splits for breakfast).

19. Jesus is a Capricorn (Dec. 25).
Elvis is a Capricorn (Jan. 8).

20. Jesus biography by Matthew (Gospel according to Matthew).
Elvis biography by Neal Matthews (Elvis: A Golden Tribute).

21. "[Jesus'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow"
(Matthew 28:3).
Elvis' trademarks were a lightning bolt and snow-white jumpsuits.

22. Jesus was Jewish.
Elvis was part Jewish (from his maternal great-grandmother, Martha Tackett
Mansell).

23. Jesus' purple robe.
Elvis' pink Cadillac.

24. Jesus' father is everywhere.
Elvis' father, Vernon, was a drifter and moved around quite a bit.

25. Doubting Thomas.
"Suspicious Minds."

26. There is much confusion about Jesus' middle name - what does the "H" stand for?
There is much confusion about Elvis' middle name - was it Aron or Aaron?

27. Jesus made rocks roll away from his tomb.
Elvis was a rock and roll singer.




Name Puns We'd All Like To See

1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
2. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
3. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
4. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
5. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (Hey! Now everything is possible!)
he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
6. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
7. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
8. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
9. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
10. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop
Doggy Dogg Pooh.
11. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe
Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
12. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced
him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
13. Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no
other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license.
If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog
Nog Hughes Dare.
14. If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
15. If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar,
then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
16. If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose
Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
17. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar
(of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
18. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married
Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody
Wood Peck Hur.
19. If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back
in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married
Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we
could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton
Smothers Lucky Short Guy."






Advice for Women


1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.





50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator


1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

[Braunkopf]

LOL! Te tazadnje o dvigalu so pa dobre!!!

[Parvinder]

LOL Jenna, skor sem se polulala v hlače od smeha

[Fluffy The Stud Eater]

Haha, saj jaz tudi.

[Brokoli]

Zajec hoče naučiti svojega sina, kako se pajsa. V vrsto postavi tri zajkle in sinu demonstrira kako naj najhitreje to opravi.
1, 2, 3 in že je opravljeno. Sin ne razume in mu reče, če lahko ponovi. Oče reče 1, 2, 3, in je že.
Sin poskusi in reče 1, 2, 3, 4.
Uups, sorry oči.