2691 replies to this topic

[Kalypso]

Ta je pa dober.

[redkvica]

http://video.google....17880&q=blowjob

[callista]

Prvega dne je Bog ustvaril kravo. Bog je rekel:
Morala bos na polje s kmetom in tam ves dan trpeti na vrocem soncu;
morala bos imeti teleta in dajati kmetu mleko. Dolocam ti življenjsko dobo
60 let.
Krava je dejala : Tole zivljenje je dosti pretezko, da bi zdrzala 60let.
Zmeniva se za 20 let, jaz pa ti vrnem preostalih 40 let.

Bog se je strinjal.
Drugega dne je Bog ustavil psa. Bog mu je dejal:
Ti bos ves dan sedel pred vrati gospodarjeve hiše in lajal na
vsakogar, ki pride mimo.

Dajem ti zivljenjsko dobo 20 let.Pes mu odvrne: Ves dvajset let je pa
kar malo prevec, če bom moral vse zivljenje lajati. Daj mi 10 let, jaz
pa ti vrnem preostalih 10 let.
In Bog se je strinjal.

Tretjega dne je Bog ustvaril opico. Bog ji je rekel:
Ti bos zabavala ljudi in uganjala opicje norcije, da se bodo smejali.
Dajem ti 20 let zivljenja.
Opica pa mu rece: Kaj? Dvajset let uganjanja norcij?
To je vendar dolgocasno. Pes ti je vrnil polovico let, zato ti jih
bom tudi jaz, prav?
In Bog je spet privolil.

Na cetrti dan je Bog ustvaril cloveka. Rekel mu je:
Jej, spi, igraj se in se zabavaj, seksaj in uzivaj. Nic ti ni treba poceti.
Ves cas samo uzivas. Tudi tebi dam 20 let.
Clovek se razburi: Kaj? Samo 20 let?! To pa ze ne.
Ves kaj, vzel bom svojih 20 let, pa se tistih 40, ki ti jih je vrnila
krava, pa 10 od psa in 10 od opice. Tako bom imel skupaj 80
let.Velja?
Prav, je odvrnil Bog. Dogovorjeno.

Zato torej prvih dvajset let v glavnem
spimo, jemo, se igramo, zabavamo, seksamo, uzivamo in ne delamo.
Naslednjih 40 let suzenjsko garamo, da prezivljamo svojo druzino. Nato 10
let
uganjamo opicje norcije, da zabavamo svoje vnuke, zadnjih deset let pa
posedamo pred hiso in lajamo na vsakogar, ki pride mimo.

[Kami]

Znas li ti tko je Aleksandar Veliki? - pita Haso Muju.
- Ne znam!
- E pa vidis, Mujo, to ti je bio veliki vojskovoda pod kojim je palo pola tadasnjeg poznatog svijeta!
- A otkud si ti odjednom tako pametan?
- E pa vidis, Mujo, to sam ti naucio u vecernjoj skoli. Svake srijede idem
u vecernju skolu od sedam do deset navecer. A znas li ti tko je Napoleon?
- Ne znam!
- E pa vidis, Mujo, to ti je bio veliki vojskovoda pod kojim je palo pola Europe, a poraz je dozivio kod Waterloa, a i to sam naucio u vecernjoj skoli - ponosno kaze Haso.
- A znas li ti, Haso, tko je Sejfo Hasanomerovic? - sad upita Mujo.
- Nikad cuo!
- E pa vidis, Haso, to ti je tip pod kojim tvoja Fata pada svake srijede od sedam do deset dok si ti u vecernjoj skoli!

[Piquet]

A Christmas tale to warm your heart...

There was this man who worked for the Post Office and whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read,

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world, and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen, and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow, thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it, and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*stards at the Post Office."

[kristy]

callista ful hude fore pa kalypso tvoja prva na tej strani je tud ful carska!!!!

[callista]

Arestant po 15 letih zbeži iz zapora.
Vdre v hišo, da bi našel hrano in orožje in naleti
na par v postelji. Moškemu ukaže naj zleze z nje,
ter ga priveže na stol. Žensko pa pa priveže na posteljo,
jo poljubi na vrat, vstane in odide v kopalnico.

Medtem mož reče ženi: "Poslušaj, ta tip je pobegli zapornik. Verjetno je bil dolgo v zaporu in že leta ni videl ženske. Videl sem, kako je poljubil tvoj vrat. Če bo želel seksati s tabo, se mu ne upiraj in se ne pritožuj, samo naredi, kar hoče. Bodi močna, draga. Ljubim te."

Žena mu odgovori:
"Ni poljubil mojega vratu, na uho mi je zašepetal, da je gej in da se mu zdiš seksi, in me vprašal, ali imava kaj vazelina.

Rekla sem mu, da je v kopalnici.

Bodi močen, dragi. Tudi jaz te ljubim."

[Kami]

Zakaj se moski in zenske ne razumemo :


zenska rece:


"Tu je taksen nered! Dajva,
midva morava pospraviti.
Tvoje stvari lezijo na tleh
in ce jih ne bova oprala takoj zdaj,
bos jutri brez oblek."



Moski pa slisi tole:


"Bla, bla, bla, bla, DAJVA
bla, bla, bla, MIDVA
bla, bla, bla, bla NA TLEH
bla, bla, bla, TAKOJ ZDAJ
bla, bla, bla, bla, BREZ OBLEK

[piko*biko]

hahaha dobra vica

[urša]

hahahaha..... kr ne morem nehat se smejat

[callista]

Gorenjec in Štajerec sta smučala pa ju je zasul plaz. Kopala sta se iz snega in vpila na pomoč. Ko sta pomolila glavi iz snega, Gorenjec zagleda krasnega bernardinca s sodčkom ruma za vratom.
»Ah, človekov najboljši prijatelj.«
»Ja, pa kaki lepi pes ga nese.«

[callista]

Milan se je vrnil s poročnega potovanja. Sreča ga Boris in ga vpraša:
»Milan, ali je res da je prva poročna noč najlepša v življenju?«
»Tudi jaz sem to slišal in sem preveril, pa ni bilo tako. Celo noč sem stal na balkonu in gledal v noč, zunaj pa sneg, veter in mraz!«

[callista]

Malo krut no:

Pride tip v na videz zapuščeno vas. Ker je bil zelo žejen je stekel do vodnjaka, ki stoji sredi vasi in hlastno začel piti. Nakar pride mimo vaščan in mu zakriči:
'Ne pij vode, ker je strupena!'
Tip pa:'Molim?'
Vaščan:'Nič, nič, ti kar pij...'

[callista]

Božiček - fizikalni pogled:

.- Na svetu obstajata približno 2 milijardi otrok in ceprav
Bozicek ne obiskuje muslimanskih, židovskih ter budisticnih otrok, se zmanjsa njegovo delo na bozicno noc na 15% oz. na 378 milijonov. Povprecno je na hiso 3,5 otrok, kar pomeni 108 milijonov his (recimo, da je v hisi najmanj en priden otrok).

II.- Bozicek ima priblizno 31 ur za izvedbo svoje naloge, glede na razlicne urne cone ter vrtenje Zemlje, ce potuje z vzhoda proti zahodu, kar se zdi logicno. Torej je to 967,7 obiskov na sekundo. Tako ima za vsako hiso z najmanj enim pridnim otrokom Bozicek okoli 1/1000 sekunde cas a za parkiranje sank, sestop, vstop skozi dimnik, napolnjenje nogavic z darili, porazdelitev ostalih daril pod drevesom, prigrizke, plezanje nazaj gor po dimniku, vrnitev v sanke in prihod do naslednje hise. Ce so ti 108 milijonov postankov geografsko porazdeljeni, govorimo o priblizno 1,248 km med hisama, kar je 120,8 milijonov kilometrov potovanja brez pocitkov ali postankov na straniscu. To pomeni, da se Bozickove sanke, model Mach3000, premikajo s hitrostjo 1.040 km/s oz. 3.000-kratno zvocno hitrostjo. Da lahko primerjamo, najbolj hitro vozilo, ki ga je naredil clovek, Ulysses Space Probe, se premika s hitrostjo 43,85 km/s. Poleg tega en konvencionalni severni jelen lahko tece (maksimalmo) 24 km/h.

III.- Tovor sank prinese se en zaninimiv element. Ce je vsak otrok prosil samo za eno darilo srednje velikosti (1 kg), bodo sanke natovorjene z vec kot 500.000 tonami (brez Bozicka). Na tleh navaden severni jelen ne more vleci vec kot 150 kg. Tudi ce bi "leteci severni jelen" lahko vlekel 10-krat vec, dela ne bo moglo izvesti 8 ali 9 severnih jelenov. Bozicek bi jih potreboval 360.000, kar bi povecalo tovor (brez teze sank) se za 54.000 ton (priblizno 7-kratna teza Titanika).

IV.- 600.000 ton, ki leti s hitrostjo 1.040 km/s, povzroca ogromen zracni
upor, kar bi segrelo severne jelene tako, kot se segreje povrsina vesoljske ladje, ko vstopi v zemeljsko atmosfero. Sprednja severna jelena bi
absorbirala vsak po 14,321 joulov energije na sekundo in bi se vzgala skoraj v hipu, kar bi izpostavilo ostale jelene in povzrocilo
oglusujoc hrup. Cela skupina severnih jelenov bi izhlapela v 4,26 tisocinkah sekunde oz. ko bi Bozicek prisel do pete hise.

V.- Ce zanemarimo vse prej povedano, bi bil Bozicek kot rezultat pojemka z 1.040 km/s na 0 km/s v 0.001 sekundah podvrzen sili 17.500N. Ce bi tehtal 150 kg (ker je debeluscek in rdecelicen, se zdi logicno), bi se zaletel v sprednji del sank s silo 2.315.015 N in bi si v hipu polomil vse kosti in poskodoval vse notranje organe, tako da bi koncal kot amorfna, tekoca in tresoca se masa.

[callista]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.

He says "well, pussy and bitch".

She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"

He tells him...pussy and bitch.

Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."

"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

[callista]

ATHEISM: No shit.

BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it really isn´t shit.

CALVINISM: Shit happens because you don´t work hard enough.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are BAD.

CEREMONIAL MAGIC: I can make shit Happen.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is only in your mind.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say: "shit happens."

EXISTENSIALISM: What the hell is this "shit" anyway?

FUNDAMENTALISM: BIG shit will happen ... SOON!

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens Rama Rama.

HEDONISM: There´s nothing like good shit happening.

HINDUISM: This shit happened before.

ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

JEHOVAH´S WITNESSES: Knock, knock. "OH, SHIT!"

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.

MORMONISM: If shit Happens, you have two wives to blame it on.

NEW AGE: Visualize no shit happening.

PAGANISM: Shit is a part of the Goddess too!

PROTESTANTISM: Let´s make this shit happen to someone else

QUAKERS: "No shit here, please."

RASTAFARIANISM: Let´s smoke some shit.

SANTERIA: Shit Happens to your goat.

SATANISM: Sneppah Tihs.

SCIENTOLOGY: Feces Occurs.

STOICISM: This shit is good for me.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTISTS: No shit on Saturdays.

TAOISM: Shit happens.

TELEVANGELISM: Send money or shit will happen to you!

WICCANISM: "Oh shit, I got that spell wrong again."

YAWEHS: Shit Happens to white folks.

ZEN: What is the sound of shit happening?

ZOROASTRIANISM: Shit happens half the time.

[callista]

Kaj je DOBRO,SLABO;SRANJE..?????

DOBRO...Tvoja zena je noseca
SLABO....Dobil bos trojcke
SRANJE..Ti si ze 5 let steriliziran

DOBRO...Sin se v sobi dosti uci
SLABO....Nasel si mu pornice
SRANJE..Na katerih si ti v glavni vlogi

DOBRO...Sin pocasi odrasca
SLABO....Ima afero z sosedo
SRANJE..Ti tudi

DOBRO...Zena se ne pogovarja z teboj
SLABO....Zeli locitev
SRANJE..Ona je sodnica

DOBRO...Sin ima zmenek z neko osebo
SLABO....Ta oseba je moski
SRANJE..Tvoj najboljsi prijatelj

DOBRO...Tvoja hcera ima novo sluzbo
SLABO....Postala je prostitutka
SRANJE..Tvoji sodelavci jo redno obiskujejo
SUPER SRANJE ......Ona zasluzi vec kot ti !!!!!

[callista]

A poem written by an African Shakespeare


Dear white fella,
Couple things you should know:

When I was born, I black
When I grow up, I black,
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black,
And when I die, I still black.

You, white fella,
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.

And you have the fucking nerve to call me colored?

[callista]

POLICAJ USTAVI JANEZA:"Vozniško, prosim!"
PA SE ZADERE ŽENA: "Pihat mu dejte , pihat mu dejte ...!!!"
POLICAJ PREGLEDUJE DOKUMENT IN REČE: "Ja, v redu, se
prometno,prosim."
PA SE SPET ZADERE ŽENA: "Pihat mu dejte, a ne vidte
kakšen je?! Piha naj!"
POLICAJ VRNE JANEZU DOKUMENTE NAZAJ: "Lahko greste,gospod."
PA SPET BABA UTRESE SVOJO GOFLO: "Zakaj mu pa ne dastepihat,
sej je čist zadet. Dejte mu no pihat, gospod policaj!!!??"
POLICAJ RAZUMEVAJOČ : "Gospa, Vaš mož je že dovolj kaznovan

[callista]

Gre Tinček v SKB pa reče da bi vzel v najem 4 sefe.
Na okencu mu uslužbenec reče da ni treba 4, saj imajo tudi večje.
Lahko vzame 1 večjega, pa bo lahko vse not spravil.
Ne, ne reče Tinček. Jaz raje vlagam z razpršenim tveganjem.