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Dobri vici...

Started by *sweety* , Sep 19 2004 07:11 PM

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#2521 Kami

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Posted 23 November 2012 - 10:05 AM

BALKANSKI BOJEVNIK

Na sodišču tožilec vpraša obtoženega:
"Je res, da ste prejemal podkupnino?"
Obtoženi gleda skozi okno. Tožilec ponovi:
"Je res, da ste prejemal podkupnino?"
Obtoženi gleda skozi okno, vse presliši. Tožilec ponovi na glas:
"Je res, da ste prejemal podkupnino???"
"O, a meni pravite? Sem mislil, da je to vprašanje za sodnika."
  • 0

Put A Kilt On It!

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

 

 

#2522 Immortelle

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Posted 24 November 2012 - 11:33 AM

Kdaj bo v Sloveniji konec politične krize?
Ko bo Virant Jankoviču na Dobu povedal, da je Janšo kap na Turkovem pogrebu.
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ॐ Be a voice, not an echo. ॐ

#2523 Kinky

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Posted 24 November 2012 - 07:30 PM

Učiteljica ispituje djecu u razredu što žele biti kada odrastu.

Dođe red na Ivicu:
- ''Želim bit miljarder, otić u najskuplji disko i tamo pokupit najbolju pičku, poklonit joj miljun maraka vrijedan BMW. Želim imat apartman na Havajima, dvorac u Parizu, putovat po svijetu i s pičkom se ševit tri puta dnevno.''

Učiteljica, šokirana odgovorom i zgrožena djetetovim razmišljanjem i rječnikom, odluči ignorirati što je čula i pita sljedećeg učenika:
- ''A ti, Marice?''
Marica:
- "Želim biti Ivičina pička!"
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“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

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When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth.

#2524 Jinadaze

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Posted 26 November 2012 - 11:31 PM

Mujo je prijazen človek. Takole pravi:
"Ja svoju ženu nikad ne tučem. Samo je gurnem po stepenicama pa nek se udari gde sama hoće."
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Normality is a paved road: It's comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it. 

― V. Van Gogh

 

#2525 Kami

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Posted 29 November 2012 - 10:43 AM

Franc Kangler je boljši od Chuck Norrisa...samo Kangler lahko naredi da je Ljubljančan ponosen na Štajerca... ;)
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Put A Kilt On It!

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

 

 

#2526 Nincha

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Posted 30 November 2012 - 07:38 PM

Nekega dne je odšel cvetličar k frizerju. Po striženju je prosil za račun, a mu je frizer odgovoril: »Ne morem sprejeti plačila, saj ta teden opravljam delo v splošno korist.« Zadovoljni cvetličar je zapustil salon, naslednje jutro pa je frizerja pred vrati čakal šop rož.

Pozneje je v salon stopil policist. Ko je hotel plačati račun, mu je frizer odvrnil: »Ne morem sprejeti plačila, saj ta teden opravljam delo v splošno korist.« Zadovoljni policist je zapustil salon, naslednje jutro pa je frizerja pred vrati čakala škatla dvanajstih krofov.

Zatem je v salon vstopil poslanec. Ko je hotel plačati račun, mu je frizer odvrnil: »Ne morem sprejeti plačila, saj ta teden opravljam delo v splošno korist.« Poslanec je zadovoljen zapustil salon, naslednje jutro pa je frizerja pred vrati čakalo dvanajst poslancev...
  • 0

After all this time?

Always.

#2527 Kinky

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Posted 03 December 2012 - 07:48 AM

10 BOŽJIH ZAPOVEDI KAKO POSTATI NAJBOLJŠI GOST V LOKALU!!!
1. že na vhodu gostilne jebeš mater varnostniku ki te vpraša za osebno.
2. še predno se usedeš se že dereš "TULE BI NEKI MEL"
3. če slučajno natakar nima časa je nujno potrebno žvižgati, se oglašati z podobnimi komentarji kot so " ALO! KONOBAR!!!! predvsem pa
pomaga če ti je vse to smešno in se režiš kajti potem te natakar sigurno opazi.
4. ko te natakar vljudno pozdravi mu zabrusiš nazaj "KAVO Z MLEKOM MI DEJ!!!" nikakor ampak res nikakor se stavek ne začne z dober dan ali zdravo ker če ne bo natakar mislim da si celo prijazen!
5. če je natakar ženskega spola obvezno poleg naročila pašejo razne besede kot so "MATER TTOLE PA BI, ali JAZ BOM TEBE."
6. če je natakar moškega spola se kot ženska morate obvezno hihitati kot kure in vprašati ali bi vas peljal domov.tiste ki pa ste že napredovala na višjo stopnjo kulture ga lahko pa tudi zagrabite za rit. moški gostje pa seveda na čimbolj zadiričen način zaprosite če vas lahko pride ženska postrežit.
7. ko dobite račun ne pozabite vprašat " KA SMO KEJ JEDL?" in pa " KJE JE PA TELEFONSKA?" še posebno boste nasmejali natakarja z stavkom " SM MISLU DA SI ŠEL U JURKLOŠTER PO KAVO"
8. nikoli ampak res nikoli nisi pijan! vsi okrog tebe so, ampak ti ne. tako da ko te natakar že petič vpraša kaj bi imel je sigurno gluh in nisi ti tisti ki ne znaš razločno povedat.za kazen si vzameš čas in dve uri iščeš denar nazadnje pa rečeš da poznaš šefa in dobiš zastonj. ( natakar svojega šefa verjetno ne pozna tako da te ne bo dobil na laži)
9. če se te v gužvi kdo dotakne moraš kot vzoren gost takoj eksplodirat in ga prestrašit z stavkom " KA TI VEŠ KDO SN JS ?!"
če slučajno pridejo redarji in te prosijo da se umiriš se poskusi spomniti vseh kletvic v vseh še živih jezikih in mu polepšaj večer.
10. zapomni si da so natakarji redarji in podobno osebje navadni klošarji brez šole in nimajo v življenju kaj bolj pametnega početi kot prenašati tebe. na to jih tudi čimvečkrat opomni.
pa vesel pijanski december!
za vse tiste ki pa se teh pravil ne držijo....HVALA!
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“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

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When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth.

#2528 Kinky

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Posted 05 December 2012 - 01:44 PM

Čestitamo na rođenju sina! Kako će se zvati?
- IZDISLAV.
- Po kome je dobio ime?
- Po onoj pesmi "Is This Love"
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“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

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When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth.

#2529 rea

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Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:55 PM

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad
  • 1

There are some things I may not know                  

There are some places, dear Lord, I may not go.

But there's one thing of which I'm sure

My God is real for I can feel him in my soul.

 

I have found a way to live  

in the presence of the Lord Hare Ram, Ram, Ram

Hare Ram, Ram, Ram, Sita Ram, Ram, Ram

 

 

 

#2530 Kinky

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 07:42 AM

*Kako je ime najtopleje oblečenenemu afričanu?

Mabundo Nagumbe*
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“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

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When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth.

#2531 Ancka Pomarancka

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 08:16 AM

:lol1: :lol1:
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#2532 Kinky

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 11:20 AM

Lezi pacient na operacijski mizi in ga vprasa anesteziolog:"Zelite anestezijo, ki jo placa ZZZS, ali jo boste placali sami?"
Pacient:" Pa tisto, ki jo placa zavod!"
Anesteziolog:" dobro! Umirite se,.....Nina nana, aja tutaja...."
  • 0
“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

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When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth.

#2533 Dragica

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Posted 09 December 2012 - 09:49 AM

ROFL za oba.

 

M. spi pa se komi zadržujem, da se ne krohotam na ves glas.


  • 0
Če hočeš nekaj, česar še nimaš in nisi nikoli imel, naredi nekaj, česar nisi še nikoli naredil.

#2534 Nincha

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Posted 23 December 2012 - 06:27 PM

if countries were students
  • Australia: The class clown who makes everyone laugh
  • America: The jock who loves themselves and everyone secretly hates
  • Canada: The nice person who offers to show you around on your first day
  • England: The hot boy everybody wants to bang
  • New Zealand: Australia's little brother who is the only one who thinks Australia sucks

  • 0

After all this time?

Always.

#2535 Kinky

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Posted 28 December 2012 - 01:39 PM

 Po maši k župniku prihajajo farani, mu podajo roko in se mu lepo
zahvalijo.
Pristopi tudi lepo oblečen moški in reče: "Gospod župnik - za popizdit
dobro pridigo ste imeli !"
"Me veseli, da vam je bila všeč, vendar bi vas prosil, da takih besed ne
uporabljate, ker se to v cerkvi ne spodobi."
"Kakorkoli že," nadaljuje možakar, "vaša pridiga mi je bila tako všeč,
da sem vam fuknil 100 evrov v puščico."
"Ne me jebat?!" odvrne župnik.


  • 0
“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth.

#2536 Kinky

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Posted 07 January 2013 - 09:19 PM

Zakonski dialog:

Žena: A si jedu
Mož: A si jedu
Žena: A ti mene oponašaš
Mož: A ti mene oponašaš
Žena: Ljubim te.
Mož: Sem jedu.


  • 0
“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

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When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth.

#2537 Fluffy The Stud Eater

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Posted 08 January 2013 - 03:03 AM

Pitali vjernici hodžu:
- Efendija, što je to demokratija?
Efendija se duboko zamisli i poslije
duže pauze odgovori:
- To vam je kao kad se ja popnem na minaret i odozgo vas imam pravo popišati,
a istovremeno imate i vi pravo da popišate mene!


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<p style="text-align:center;"><span style="color:#000000;"><span style="font-family:georgia, serif;"><strong><span style="font-size:12px;">“Someone once told me the definition of Hell: </span></strong></span></span></p>
<p style="text-align:center;"><span style="color:#000000;"><span style="font-family:georgia, serif;"><strong><span style="font-size:12px;">The last day you have on earth, the person you became </span></strong></span></span></p>
<p style="text-align:center;"><span style="color:#000000;"><span style="font-family:georgia, serif;"><strong><span style="font-size:12px;">will meet the person you could have become.”<br>
- </span></strong><span style="font-size:12px;">Anonymous</span></span></span></p>
<p style="text-align:center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:center;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:center;"> </p>

#2538 Kinky

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Posted 10 January 2013 - 07:53 AM

Čebelica Maja zjutraj vidi trota Vilija kako si v luži namaka ritko. " A se kopaš Vili ?"
Vili odgovori: " Ne, jajca si hladim. Sinoči sem mislil nategnit eno kresničko, je bil pa čik"


  • 2
“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth.

#2539 Kinky

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Posted 11 January 2013 - 07:39 AM

Vzamem čips, usedem se na fotelj in prižgem TV. Tam pa Janša.
Ugasnem TV, prižgem radio. Tudi tam Janša!
Ugasnem radio, odprem časopis in tam spet Janša!!
Sedaj si pa ne upam odpreti čipsa.


  • 0
“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?” (Charles Bukowski)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

When you open your mind to the impossible, sometimes you find the truth.

#2540 Kami

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Posted 11 January 2013 - 07:53 AM

Kratki tečaj engleskog jezika


Pričam sam sa sobom. I'M TALKING ALONE WITH THE ROOM.
Računaj na mene. CALCULATE ON ME
Čekanje u redu za hljeb. WAITING ALL RIGHT FOR BREAD
Ko te šljivi. WHO PLUMS YOU
Ko te šiša. WHO CUTS YOUR HAIR
Nosi se. CARRY YOURSELF
Od malih nogu. SINCE THE LITTLE LEGS
Malo prije. SMALL BEFORE
More bre. SEA, BROTHER
Voditi računa. TO LEAD THE BILL
Samoubojica. ONLY KILLER
Napet sam. I'M ON FIVE
Hajde da igramo karte. LET'S PLAY TICKETS
Dijelim vaše mišljenje. I DEVIDE YOUR OPINION
On je svjetla tačka. HE IS A BRIGHT FULL STOP
Spetljao se s njom. HE LOOPED HIMSELF WITH HER
Želim da se naslonim na tebe. I WISH TO ELEPHANT ON YOU
Šta ti pade na pamet. WHAT IS FALLING ON YOUR BRAIN
Pijan je ko majka. HE IS DRUNK AS A MOTHER
On je velika marka. HE IS A BIG STAMP
Iz čista mira. OUT OF CLEAN PEACE
Fotokopije. FOTO-WHO-DRINKS
Upala mišiča. THE INFALL OF A LITTLE MOUSE
Supruga. ARE-RAILWAY
Blago tebi. TREASURE TO YOU
Veni vidi vici. FADE SEE JOKES
Sve, što je izgubljeno, može se povratiti. EVERYTHING THAT IS LOST CAN BE THROWN UP
Pop-pjevač. PRIEST-SINGER
Sve je gore i gore. EVERYTHING IS UP AND UP
Sranje kroz gusto granje. SHITTING THROUGH A DENSE BUSH
Sarajevo. SARA IS AN OX
Dedinje. HE BELONGS TO GRANDFATHER
Mali lošinj. LITTLE BAD CITY
Skoplje. CASTRATION CITY
Neda Ukraden. NO YES STOLEN
Ružica Sokić. LITTLE ROSE LITTLE JUICE
Slobodan Milošević. FREEMAN GENTLEFUCK
Mirjana. PEACE I ON
Tugomir. SADPEACER


  • 0

Put A Kilt On It!

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

 

 

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