2691 replies to this topic

[Olivija]

[Adriane]

Kitara je dobra, ja.


Ovu poruku mi poslala cura: Ljubavi moja, ako spavaš, pošalji mi svoje snove, ako se smiješ, pošalji mi tvoj osmjeh, ako plačeš, pošalji mi svoje suze... Volim te!
A ja njoj odgovorim: Ljubavi moja, serem... što da ti pošaljem?

[rea]

Optimist;
Pride tip po treh, štirih dneh burnega žura ves skesan domov k svoji ženi in na hodniku zagleda kovčke pa pravi:
O, mater , a zdaj pa še na morje?!?

[Kinky]

Old.

[rea]

star vic, nova budala, pravijo

[Kinky]

[Adriane]

Old.

Tvoj tudi.

[Kinky]

Res? Jaz sem ga prvič slišala.

[Adriane]

Ta naša Rea ni samo pametna, temveč tudi jasnovidna!

star vic, nova budala, pravijo

[Kinky]

[freak]

Pride Chuck Norris v kuhinjo, odpre hladilnik pa vid da se puding trese pa prav »Kva se pa ti tok treseš, sj sm pršu sam po pir.«

Samo Chuck Norris lahko pogasi ogenj z bencinom.

Samo Chuck Norris lahko je juho z vilico.

[rea]

Žensko med spanjem zbudi hrup.

Zbudi moškega poleg sebe in reče:
»Hitro bejži, moj mož se je vrnu !«
Moški pograbi vse cunje in skoči čez okno.
Čez nekaj časa se isti moški pojavi na oknu in kriči:
»Pizda, pa saj sem jaz tvoj mož!«

[Jinadaze]

Mujo in Fata sta mož in žena.
Mujo: Fata, ali ti veš, kaj je to situacija?
Fata: Ja. Situacija je situacija.
Mujo: Situacija je, ko ti prideš domov in vidiš mene v postelji s sosedo!
Fata: Dobro. Potem je enako situacija, če ti prideš domov in vidiš mene v postelji s sosedom!
Mujo: Ee, Fata, ne mešaj batin in situacije.

[freak]

Decko: jel' imas maramicu?
Cura: nemam.
Decko: lazes viri ti iz grudnjaka.

On : Jesi ljubomorna?
Ona : Nisam!
On : 100 %?
Ona : Da !
On : Mogu li dobiti jedan poljubac?
Ona : Nek ti ga da ona kurva što ti je lajkala sliku!

Kcerka: mama, ja bi konja!
Mama: dobit ces ga kad se udaš.

Informatičarska kletva:
Dabogda ti žena bila open source!

Sjedi baba u autobusu preko puta nekog momka.
On žvace žvaku, a baba ce: Džabe ti meni pričas, sinko, ja tebe ništa ne čujem...

[Emily]

Mlad moški se poroči s prelepo žensko, ki je imela pred njim, kar deset soprogov. Na poročno noč žena reče svojemu možu: "Prosim bodi nežen. Še vedno sem devica!"

"Kaj?!" reče zmeden ženin, "Kako je pa to mogoče, saj si bila 10x poročena?"

Žena začne:

"No moj mož št. 1 je bil trgovski potnik; ves čas mi je govoril, kako fantastično bo bilo...

Mož št. 2 je bil vzdrževalec software-a; nikoli ni bil čisto prepričan, kako mora v resnici delovati, vendar mi je vselej zatrjeval, da bo pogledal in se mi oglasi, takoj ko bo mogoče...

Mož št. 3 je bil terenski delavec; povedal je, da je vse diagnosticiral in preveril, ni pa mu se uspelo vzpostaviti sistema...

Mož št. 4 je delal pri telemarketingu; kljub temu, da je vedel, da ima naročilo, nikoli ni vedel, kdaj ga bo lahko dostavil...

Mož št. 5 je bil inženir; osnovne procese je razumel, vseeno pa je zahteval še tri leta za raziskovanje, implementacijo in oblikovanje nove "state of the art" metode...

Mož št.6 je bil zaposlen v upravi; mislil je, da ve kako, ni bil pa prepričan, če ima vsa potrebna pooblastila za opravljanje dela...

Mož št. 7 je bil v marketingu; kljub temu, da je imel proizvod, nikoli ni bil prepričan, kam naj ga umesti...

Mož št. 8 je bil psihiater; vse kar je samo počel, je govoril o tem...

Mož št. 9 je bil ginekolog; on jo je samo gledal...

Mož št. 10 je bil zbiralec znamk; vse kar je počel jo je samo lizal. Bog kako ga pogrešam...

Zdaj pa, ko sem poročila tebe, sem presrečna..."

"Krasno!" reče mož, "Zakaj pa?"

"Ti si zaposlen pri vladi. Tokrat zagotovo vem, da bom nategnjena."

[Kinky]

Moški se je peljal z avtom, ko je opazil blisk prometne kamere.

Takoj mu je sinilo, da je bil slikan zaradi prekoračitve hitrosti,

ampak prepričan je bil, da ni bil prehiter… Za vsak slučaj se je še enkrat

zapeljal okoli bloka in mimo istega mesta, tokrat še

počasneje kot prvič, ampak kamera je spet zabliskala.

Malo se mu je že zdelo smešno in je naslednjič zapeljal

še počasneje, ampak spet je zabliskalo. Še četrtič je

poskusil z enakim uspehom. Po polževo je zapeljal mimo še petič,

tokrat se je smejal v kamero …

Dva tedna kasneje je dobil pet položnic za plačilo

kazni, ker je vozil brez pripetega varnostnega pasu…

[Kalypso]

Five Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after Lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. Al l of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..


Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....


Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy... A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Adriane]

- Kateri jezik govori Lucciene Lončina?

- Google Translate.

[Jinadaze]

[Zlatolaska]

Od Emily na prejšni strani mi je dober!

Da prestavim link v ustreznejšo temo.